I personally dont think she would have done that. Even kids get depressed and fight mental illness. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. I've finally got up the courage to write this all out in a throwaway account. If you find one and it doesnt help, find another one. This is common when you are mourning. People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. The phrases recommended above are actually some of the language being suggested by advocacy and mental health organizations to the media, mental health professionals, and the larger society for discussing death from suicide. We decided as a family that we would keep him with us through the following Sunday. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. I feel less scared now, and some peace knowing that my moms pain is over. https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-vs-regret-in-grief/, https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/five-stages-of-grief/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/nighttime-rumination-grief/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/, https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-examples-of-disenfranchised-grief/. but here I sit. Im so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. Hello, I am also able to relate to this post, my friend was talking to me over social media when he killed himself 16 months ago now. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. Dot, I am so sorry that it sounds like it was a hard life that he led and I am sure it was very hard for you and your family. My poor dad found my brother at his place of work mums distraught how are they ever going to recover from this. Still am physically ill when I cant get my head around his suicide. My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, its going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Justin Johnson July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply. But that is my side of the story. It helped me and I think it will help you. Feeling okay again will take time. She had attempted suicide two other times in her life that I know of. When I read your words it was the first time Ive seen my own feelings in print. At best, I was delaying his decision. I dont think youre so much at fault as you think and feel you are. I understand why people kill themselves. People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. I am heartbroken. What was he feeling? We sat in strained silence for what felt like an age and a half. His death was a shock but not his pain. Im still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. Isolation, loneliness, is being taught to our children. That being said, that doesnt make your pain any easier or any less valid. He was on his iPhone texting, and when I came into the room he slid the phone down. I feel so bad for his family. Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide, and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide. Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Amelia shongwe November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would goMy precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. Have you considered a support group or speaking to a counselor? The important thing is that they get the insurance money and she remarries well because I have no idea how we are going to survive my sudden job loss. to keep pushing me along. My heart Stopped the moment i seen the gun right before i put it to his head. It kills me! we discussed this with the urologist who prescribed the Rx who informed us to cut back on the medication and discussed a surgical alternative which was our plan. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. He had so many cuts his arms were covered in blood, and he was crying. This for me has been a very long lonely road over the past 3 years, I could give you a million reasons why he took his own life, but that doesnt heal anything. We were young and stupid, and broke up. Im glad youve found a helpful therapist. Right there with you. IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply, John, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. Im devastated. I knew him the best, and I didnt think of him the past few months. Be kind to those around you and take the happiness life gives you. We are human. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. Its a shit feeling knowing that youll never see or hear someone again. I lost my dad and my youngest brother with in a fortnight of each other 3 years ago. Eventually, I offered to sign a document to allow him to stop paying me the last 5 years he still owed me if he would just send me a hardship document. My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. I never made light of his suspicions and even suggested he sees a psychiatrist, but I never thought things would go so bad so fast. Please remove my 2 posts under Mary Kral. As I write this, tears threaten to spill down my face. this comment was touching. He was also seriously mentally ill and OP, you are not at fault despite what you feel, Im so sorry for your loss OP but this is rly not your fault. I myself had began making plans to take my own life, when I couldnt deal with the constant Stress and deep depression that has taken over. I feel so terrible for his family and I cant imagine how they are feeling. I can only imagine the pain youre experiencing. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. I cant imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. I felt isolated and estranged during conversation. Something that helps me is looking for signs that hes still with me. i never got to say goodbye. If it were natural causes or an accident, I feel I could deal better. I rest my hope in Gods coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lords prayer. He wrote some final paragraphs while listening to music, some very depressing, melancholic music. That is how I can keep on going on. My brother answered. When a family member died prematurely of disease, it was at least a natural death. They need you. Nothing could have been further from the actual truth. I have two children which she loved and they loved her. I pray he knows that he was loved, cherished, admired and I am sorry that I couldnt help him. A book for everyone. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was such an idiot, I even told him spooky stories like from true story where mentally Ill people end up killing the people they love. We never saw the body but I cant stop imagining what it looked like, if he felt pain or died instantly, how long his body was there for, or what his last moments were like. Be kind to everyone, even if they seem happy, because you never know what a person is going thru behind closed doors. I have to understand him now, after what happened. I feel like I will never be able to sleep again. Brian January 12, 2020 at 12:57 am Reply. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. They are both doing very well. I wish you well and one day happiness but like me you will never forget . 3 years prior we lost my father due to medical issues she ran away with him when she was 18 and started a family here in Florida. Cindy Zagorski January 20, 2018 at 1:57 am Reply. He was sitting on an open deck in a lawn chair, beside a small vacation camper, with a large forest in the background, and a lake in front. My precious son suffered from Bipolar Disorder, his told me there is no hell, hell is here on this earth ! Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. We loved each other so much. One of my close friends became sucidal after that, he gave a real life perspective on what she went through. However, my main question and concern, and one I cant seem to get answered is Did he feel any pain or was it instant? Cheryl Platzman Weinstock. Although we werent compatible together, I never stopped loving and caring about his well being. I hope you can take at least a little bit of comfort in the fact that he died knowing you loved him. Alison December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply. life doesnt feel real anymore. As you describe seeing you father and the experience youre having of fear and difficulty with the hard memories, it sounds like in addition to your grief of losing him that you are still struggling with the trauma of the circumstances of his death. thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders.. thanks again, Oswald julmi April 13, 2019 at 3:55 am Reply. Fred November 19, 2018 at 2:59 am Reply. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. My brother shot himself Tuesday and left behind a wife, 2 young children and the rest of us lost. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. When you feel hopeless you have to remember to stay in the light no matter what you do. it is still all so not real to me . Its the Medical schools dirty little secret. She is now finally peaceful. . But I cant. Sometimes I feel like Im in a dream although wide awake and if I try really hard to wake up I can take it back. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. After that he made me dinner at my moms house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. I didnt feel strong but what other choice did I have? I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. Your husband was very lucky to have such a kind wife for so many years. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I miss him so much. Thank you. It has been like that for 3 days now. I have his 25th birthday is 3/21 and then the anniversary of his death. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving.